Monday, October 25, 2010

Hide and seek

It's probably not the best description but that's what the next step on my journey of self-improvement feels like. The search for something bigger than me, a way to fill the void in my heart and be complete…

I don't think I can ever get back to the school of thought where the common belief is that there is one person in the world who can fill the void in your heart, a soul-mate or a better half or whatever and I tend to think that most people who enter a relationship to be complete tend to be sorely disappointed and my belief ended up being right as I learnt this past weekend.

I figure, the best way to find something bigger than me is to head to Church. Kenya isn't one of those countries where there are groups for every type of belief under the sun, I basically had 4 choices, Hinduism which is hard because there aren't too many black Hindus in Nairobi and no offence but I don't have the patience to fight stereotypes and racism (and yes I realize I just stereotyped all Nairobi Hindus as racists, I'm sorry) Option 2 would be to go Muslim, that's another no because there's so much to learn and conflicting beliefs under 1 body. Third, go all New-Age, another no because I don't believe in the power of "me" I just can't deal with the thought that I'm the one in control of my own destiny, it's just too much pressure to handle. My only option was Church, good old Christianity.

I grew up Christian, a true TBN and Family Media kid, singing Colby songs and Christian rock and obsessed with going to love in sunny Santa Ana, California. Then, life happened, and chasing after God became more like a game of hide and seek, he was hiding I 'm still seeking. I don't know how it works, some people really look on tune with God and they hear from Him and all that, all I hear is staggering silence. I truly believe that God exists, and at church we learnt this weekend that we shouldn't be seeking after religion like Jesus never called himself or his disciples "Christians" and religion has failed me one too many times. We should be seeking after relationship. That's the only thing Jesus had with God, and the disciple had with Jesus. It wasn't about them acting a certain way or following certain guidelines. All they did was love on, and talk to their best friend.

The thing I learnt most, which absolutely ties in to my theme of change and life-improvement is not the whole hour long sermon I heard, but the last 5 minutes of it. I'll try to relay it as best as I can, hopefully I'll do it justice and it can have the same effect on you as it did on me.

Pastor M told a story about the love between him and his wife as a by the way told us the only reason he doesn't wear a wedding ring is because he's allergic to metal and he plans on getting a tattoo. Anyway, he told us that after 16 years of marriage he knows they love each other enough to go through anything and how he's sure because of the love Pastor C has for him, she would even love him if he had an affair although it would be difficult. Now let me quote…" but that doesn't mean I'll go have an affair because I know she'll still love me. Love changes you from the inside out, you won't do anything to hurt the person you love intentionally or otherwise as much as is to your ability."

Love changes you and that is the only secret there is and that there's ever been. What is love? Love is change. That's what held Jesus up that day, it wasn't the nails, it was his love. That's why lives were changed, since the time of the disciple. They didn't follow a bunch of rules but they let Christ's love for them change them.

I know I sound all holy and spiritual with this whole spiel, but truth is as much as I know the answer and as much as it makes sense to me, I'm not quite there yet. Maybe I'm waiting for God to shake me by the shoulders and say "I'm real!" I don't know, all I know is - actually I don't really know a thing. Maybe I don't have to have all the answers, maybe I should just live. I might just be a crazy person talking to myself when I pray (that's what prayer seems to me, people who talk to themselves are considered insane, what makes prayer different) but I'll do it. What was that quote? I'd rather live like there's a God and die to find out there's not, than live like there isn't and die to find out there is…or something to that effect.

That's what I'm planning on doing, I was already planning on having "me-time" to decompress, relax and unwind at the end of every day. During this time I plan on doing 3 more things: believe, love and live.

Believe that He's real and listening. Love him enough to want to listen and talk. Live the type of life He'd want.


Believing, Loving and Living


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