Tuesday, January 25, 2011


This isn't more of a confession, but a realization. I'm not really a faith-filled person. I mean, yes, I know God is there and yes, I believe in Jesus, but really in more of an "out there in the sky, far away" kinda way not the "near and dear" kinda way.

I know I've said this before, but this became more clear to me after my first Mizizi class yesterday. I get to class and the way it was and the people I met, or at least one person I met.....I mean could it be just a coincidence that I was placed in this particular group with this lady who I have so much in common with. I mean we've gone through so much of the same experiences and Spiritually, she's where I'd like to be someday, so was it just a coincidence that I was placed in this particular group or was it God, you know, placing me in the right place so I could grow?

Another thing is, is it just a coincidence that there aren't any men in my group hahaha! I have to admit I was pretty disappointed and I was looking around the other groups like, "come here!" hahaha, but it's cool, I mean I set out to do this to make great female friendsThat teaches me to be careful what I pray for!! :-) But again, was that just a coincidence or did God place me in that particular group for that particular reason.

I mean, shouldn't a good Christian be able to look at everything through umm... "faith-lenses", look at everything as an act of God. But, me, and I hate saying this, yet again, but I don't believe in anyone or anything anymore. I mean I don't want to be disappointed. Whether it's friends, or relationships or God.

For example, when my dad was sick. In my head, I was thinking if Derek Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy was real, I would do anything in my power to find him, because according to the show, he would be the only one who could know how to help me out, but since there was no Derek Shepherd, all I could believe in was God. The doctors couldn't operate, and we didn't even want them to try, because of how the cancer was weaved in his brain. All I could have faith in and all I could believe in was God. Then the whole thing of the pastor who came to pray for me and told me how "God had seen my tears in the night", and how "they wouldn't be in vain" and how "my dad wouldn't die because God had a purpose for him" etc etc, and I held on to that, because you know, it was a pastor saying that, then a couple of weeks later, he did die.

I know, I made this choice to follow God, but it's with a tentative heart that I do so, at least for now. I'd rather limit my beliefs and not expect too much, so that I'm not disappointed and we can still carry on as friends, rather than be disappointed and feel betrayed and then who would I turn to?

That is just where my heart is at, right now. But, I do promise to try, at least for the next 7 weeks, to look at the small coincidences as what do they call it, God-incidences. I'll try and stir my faith up a bit.

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