Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Where I've Been?

It gets to a point in life where we've got to be real with ourselves. I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of days. It was just thinking about the usual stuff...things not going as planned. I was watching TBN's Praise The Lord Show yesterday and I caught a Speaker, saying how he was at a meeting and the worship was amazing and everybody's hands were raised and it was totally moving...a couple of minutes later the Service Leader asked, "How many of you are depressed?" and almost everybody's hands shot straight back up.

You guys know I've had my struggles with depression. Just a little mention on that. I know, especially for Kenyans being he hardcore country that we are, depression ranks among the least of what I guess I can call Health Problems. Yet, suicides, alcoholism, murder-suicides and most crimes are still rampant and they can be easily avoided if mental health was taken a bit more seriously. Depression isn't just a melancholy mood that you can just snap out of. If we removed the stigma, made it possible for people to go out and talk about their situations and get help before they turn to drastic measures, we could nip these problems in the bud.

Anyway, back to me :-) I've been o.k. for a while so somewhere along the line, I let down my guard. So the sneaky little devil sneaked up on me. Physically it started with headaches here and there, then a little bit of acidity and heartburn, then just feeling low and wanting to sleep all day, missing Church because I want to sleep all day, then the peak was the complete opposite with crazy insomnia. I'd literally only catch some sleep at midnight and wake up at 2 a..m. Then came the lashing out. Finally I ended up in tears on the bathroom floor. It's always the same pattern, and I can recognize it when it happens, but I just can't get out of it. I usually feel like I can't deal with life, like everything is hopeless, every emotion and every thought is amplified. I mean I can be thinking about a friend who hurt me 10 years ago, and the pain will be like 10 times more than what you'd expect. Guilt, fear, anger, the tiniest of thoughts is amplified and it feels 100 times worse than what-rationally-I'm supposed to feel.

Another Speaker on Praise The Lord, Pastor Troy Gramling, said something that really encouraged me. He said, that we will get problems and afflictions in life. It feels horrible, but it's a burden that God's trusted you with. God is a loving God. He made us to love Him and He intended for us to live in His love. What we go through here on earth...God's trusted you enough to let you go through that experience because He knows you can go through it and come out on the other side still holding fast to Him.There's also the whole aspect of Him using our experiences to show Himself strong.

Another Speaker Dominic Russo Jr. who I absolutely loved, talked about how God always resources His front-line. We never go into battle unarmed.

Pastor Troy also talked about how we need to be honest with ourselves. When we stuff...stuff down, sooner or later it's all going to come bursting out. I liked that because it's what the Pastors at Mavuno talk about. The aspect of being real and coming as you are.

When I was going through what I was going through, I'm lucky that I have my mom and I thank God for her. First, because she recognized what I was going through and she gave me my space and didn't bug me to talk to her or tell me what to do. That's hard because can you imagine being stuck in a house with someone who's walking around like a zombie and who's not eating or talking to you?! Second, she was there when I was ready to talk and she just listened, she didn't tell me I was being irrational or that I was overreacting. This is hard because my issues are so blown up in my own head and I, myself, know I'm overreacting, can you imagine the temptation to just slap someone across the face and say "shut up you're overreacting!" lol. Third, she didn't try to solve it on her own. She told me to pray about it, which was the best thing I could have done.

Normally, I wouldn't tell someone, "Pray over it" I just feel like it's a cheap, Christian cliché answer. I realized though, that sometimes, what else can you do? I know more than anyone, I can't handle my stuff without help from God. I just sat down, read my One Year Bible and I slept for the first time, the last two nights in a row without any problem. My problems haven't gone away, but my attitude is slowly but surely changing. That's always a good thing.

So there you have it, that's where I've been the last weeks or months. I'm getting better. I am better.

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