Sunday, September 25, 2011

Lesson on E.S

Lately I've been thinking about how to argue effectively. Yeah, I know I should be thinking of how to love better, how to make my relationships last longer or that kind of stuff and I do, but arguing is important too.

Think about it, a healthy, happy, fun relationship should be composed of two individual people with their own sets of values, beliefs, opinions, wants, needs and preferences. Those might ideally match, but they won't ever be exactly the same. Differences arise and you need to figure out how to solve them.

In the past, I'd try as much as possible to avoid confrontation, mostly because I feared judgement and I didn't want to be a nag etc. As a result, I was really, really, really unhappy. At the end my relationship wasn't the better for it, in fact at the end my complacency and being a door-mat and in his words, being a "people-pleaser" is what made it end so badly.

Arguing with your loved one doesn't mean you hate them. Think about it. You like a certain hat, but he doesn't like it when you wear it.

"You selfish scumbag, I can wear whatever the hell I please"

"Babe, I love you but I like this hat and unless you have a valid reason why I can't wear it, I'm wearing it"

Response 1, gets you in a huge fight. Response 2, makes it a safe place to air your opinions, and he might actually be saving you from looking like an idiot going to work in a floppy sun-hat and jeans.

So, Emotion Seperation, or as I like to call it, E.S means remembering this line, "I'm angry now, but I have to keep in mind that I love this guy, and this silly argument won't matter 2 years from now." Luckily if you are being too demanding, your guy will be rude suicidal unfair honest enough to tell you, you're being too persistent.


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