Tuesday, December 13, 2011

End Year Recap...Love

I just saw this movie on Solomon, from the Bible, and right after he’s anointed king, his older brother Adonijah (who had already assumed he would be king) flees the city and goes to grab the horns of the altar, which symbolized the presence of God. In this way, no one could kill him. Solomon comes up behind him and says,

“I will not live in fear, kill me now if that is your plan, otherwise go home and never challenge God’s will again.”

The actual verse is,
“Solomon said, “If he is a loyal subject, not a hair of his head will be harmed, but if he is found to be a traitor, he will die.” (1Kings 1:52 [NET])

The movie line just sounded so cool and it resonated with me, just in the sense that if you know you’re going to get bad news, just go ahead and get it immediately and deal with the situation rather than lie to yourself and/or others and delay the pain.


So, I’ve been friends with this guy I met at my internship and honestly I have no complaints, he’s a great guy and I think I’m pretty great myself, hehe, what I mean is, for once in my life, I don’t feel the pressure of having to be good enough.

Me and this guy, talked about whether we could build something out of our friendship. We went on a couple of dates, the KFC opening, plays, movies, lunches, you know the usual. As much as I enjoyed going out on dates, really for the first time, it wasn't really working. I think I'm at that place where I kinda need to focus on myself, and also, I'm not over my ex and all the baggage that relationship gave me. I'm at that place where I'm struggling to let go of him and it wouldn't be fair to put someone through me wanting to rebound.

It's trick, because obviously I want to be in love and I want to not search anymore and I want to go on dates and be treated, well, like a girlfriend and not just a friend, like holding hands and exchanging those cutesy looks and being open with someone. This was just not the right time. I'm glad though because after my break-up I honestly felt like I wouldn't ever be able to love again, but I'm glad this opened me up to the possibility of love.

I’m held by the fact that I’ve learnt a lot about myself. I started out the year thinking how I can’t ever love anyone else again, but I can, and I can do a really good job at it. Now it’s just waiting for the guy who’ll love me and who I'll love back, and who we’ll be perfect for each other.

More than that, my perspective has changed from, “God, give me a guy to love” to, “God, help me sort out me and us and my life, school, work, friends, MY life, then everything else will just fall into place.” You see that? For the first time in my life, I’m thinking about me and my happiness above an external relationship. If I don’t care about me, who will?

Anyway, so that’s what’s been going on. Pinched but grown.


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