My Worship Pastor said this to us in passing this past weekend, but it really stuck with me. Around that same time, I'd also been listening to Kim Walker-Smith speak about how sometimes she'd be praying and God didn't seem to come through for her in the way that she would have wanted Him to, and she wondered why there wasn't an encounter with Him every time. She said she came to realize that, and I quote,
"Someday I'll live in the fruit of this moment."
Most of the time for me, I deal with discontentment. I'm constantly wrestling with God, like, why aren't I the one experiencing the Holy Spirit, why am I still struggling with addictions, why am I still not the best daughter to my mom, why am I still not the perfect friend, why do I still get moody, why am I still single, why am I still on probation with the Worship Team?
Today I was thinking about the little hump I was facing that I talked about yesterday and I realized, if it hadn't been for growing closer to God these past 6 months and if it hadn't been for developing this love for worship grown alone in my bedroom with Bethel and Jesus Culture blaring, I never would have been able to realize what love really is, I never would have understood my value, I'd still be stuck in that low self-esteem cycle constantly second guessing myself.
Other ways I'm living in the fruit of the humble moments:
- If it wasn't for this time off and focusing on God and focusing on myself, all these lessons I'm learning daily, I never would have learned.
- If it wasn't for the mistakes I make as a daughter or as a friend, I'd never learn how to deal with and live with the different personalities I'm going to face for the rest of my life.
- If it wasn't for being on probation, I'd never have seen the work that goes into making a service happen, I'd never have bonded with my new friends like that, I'd never have known the importance of humility and laughter and getting along with a team, I'd never have gotten the confidence boost I needed to get on that stage with a smaller team.
- If it wasn't for my "single-hood", I'd never have gotten the great role models I've found who exemplify what kind of love we should be aiming for, I'd never have realized God's plan for me is far much greater than anything I could plan or strive for, I'd never have learnt what it takes to be not just a great girlfriend, but how to be a great me when I'm part of an "us".
- If it wasn't for the mood swings and the temptations, I never would have known the power of the name of Jesus and my constant need minute-by-minute second-by-second of Him, I'd never have understood the redemptive nature f the Holy Spirit, I'd never have understood the concept of grace or the picture of God as a Father constantly letting me dust myself off and come back home.
I'm going through a host of other things that I'm struggling to find meaning and purpose behind. Life happens, you get hurt or offended when you didn't deserve it and you wonder, what is God thinking??? But, my reminder to myself, and my encouragement to you is, don't despise the low moment you are in right now, we can't see it, we can't understand it but trust that we really do serve an all-powerful God, and more importantly a God with unfailing, unending love and He can see the end from the beginning. His intentions are to prosper you and not harm you.
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