I was talking to a friend of mine about how important it is to get to a point where you’re settled and find fullness in yourself. Not in a job or in a relationship or in all these other external stuff. I’ve definitely been feeling that this year, as you all well know.
I have to admit I have lost my footing for a while, I won’t lie, serving in Church last month was HARD! I was at Church practically every night and if not at Church then doing a Church related activity, reports or reading for Mizizi, vocal class, rehearsals, Mizizi classes and on top of that studying for campus exams, it was just a lot! I wasn’t really doing it from a place of overflow because well, I wasn’t getting filled up.
I miss Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton and Jeremy Riddle and Jenn Johnson…i.e. my Bethel Church podcasts, I haven’t had time to watch my favorite people.
December hasn’t been any better because family has been intense, my sister’s due date is fast approaching so I’m trying to pitch in where I can and help her and keep my nephew occupied so she can relax and have some fun before life completely changes again. My nephew though is a stubborn one and when he screams "I want mommy", no amount of distraction from me will work :-)
I read my Bible maybe twice a week at best…so my identity has definitely been shaken. The past two weeks I’ve just been thinking, “Who am I?” and then it hit me, wait, haven’t I already answered these questions before? I know exactly who I am, I know exactly what I want to do, I know where I’m meant to be and that is simply with God. Obviously there’s specifics: career, where to live, who to be friends with, but point is all that comes from me knowing who I am in God.
I keep saying I don’t have this whole God thing figured out. I don’t know how that will happen, the day when I’m always “on” or connected. But honestly, this week, I felt pursued. After ignoring God for weeks, I get a text from a new blog reader ;-)and it reminded me of this whole thing, who I am and why I do what I do. A couple minutes later, I stumble upon Bethan's blog about life at BSSM. Then a song comes on and wah, never-failing thick presence, I felt a rush of love, and I know I TOTALLY don’t deserve to be loved or pursued by someone I’ve treated so badly, but that’s just what He does.
So, me and God, I am so in this, there’s no getting out. I’ll have to figure out how I’ll make time and how I’ll maintain that because life hasn’t stopped being busy, in fact it’s about to get busier in 2013, but I need to figure it out.
The wedding I went to also had a sort of reverse impact on me. I’ve said before how when I was in High School I knew without any doubt that I would be married at 22! I turned 21 and said, ok, maybe by 24, but now, I’m like, that’s probably not what’s going to happen with my life.
Marriage and relationships aren’t the be all, end all of life. I have tons of dreams and stuff I would love to experience in my own life and I can’t keep molding innocent people I date into what I want same way I can’t keep changing myself to fit into the personality of whoever I’m dating.
So right now, I’m like whatever happens will happen, I’m not actively pursuing anything specific. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want love, but I’m not going through any stress or sadness or drama to get it. I think when 2 people want to be together, 1 party doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting, it just happens. In this phase of my life I’m Zen.
Yes, also the fact that the bride and groom hadn’t slept together despite dating 6 years rocked me...a whole blog post needs to be done about this statement alone, hehehe.
My family and friends have been absolutely essential to me this year, from Joe telling me how I’m an awesome friend or Michelle telling me I’m a full package all on my own and also showing me some crazy tough love, or my sister and Abby telling me to enjoy every moment of life now but keep things in perspective, or Ted who's constantly teaching me the value of patience and understanding, honestly I have the best BFF’s. I know self-awareness is all about me knowing me, but they deserve recognition too.
Anyway, more to come on this.