Tuesday, February 19, 2013

If Only You Could See Yourself The Way I See You

I feel like the Lord sometimes will tell you stuff ahead of time to prepare you for something that hasn’t yet happened. I know what you’re thinking, “Duh Joanne, it’s called prophecy! Been there for a few thousand years?!” I get it, but I mean to me on a personal level. 

This morning I was sitting on a bus heading to school to do a test (which I’m pretty sure I flunked, what can I say…Economics!) anyway, I’m on this bus listening to talk radio and I feel this love come up all over my heart and I figured, it must be God. So I start praying, or rather, pressing into that because I wasn’t too sure what to say and I hear all these affirmations, “You’re captivating. You’re beautiful. You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re a go-getter. You’re loving.  You’re the best when you’re just you.” I actually did a double take on the “captivating” part, like, “are you really interested in what I have to offer?” He had to say captivating a couple of times for it to sink in. I’m just receiving it and taking it all in. It’s pretty hard to hear all this stuff and you’re not really sure whether to believe it for yourself – whole other blogpost!

Anyway, the day goes on and I get home, watch some TV (Modern Family, the Middle, Pretty Little Liars, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami) guess that’s not some, that’s a lot! Later I watch some iBethel TV which always gets me ready for some worship, so I go to my room and have a pretty great time just singing and loving Jesus. Mom gets home, I drive her out to see my aunt, get home, go on Facebook and read a post by Kris Vallotton about how we should forgive ourselves and stop punishing ourselves. Watch a little more TV and as quick as that love came upon me in the morning, this discouragement lays a firm grip on me.
I’m just thinking about just how tough the past 4 years have been, missing my dad and having this “grey history” and just how horribly some people treated me in this “past life” of mine. On a day to day basis, I’m pretty disconnected from that, I feel like that stuff was a lifetime ago, and like it wasn’t me at all, but there are moment when some of it comes back.

But are you seeing how God kinda prepared me for this onslaught of negative, “you’re not good enough thoughts” by filling me up in the morning. Because He is God, and meets each of us at our point of need, we need to remind ourselves that when we get filled out of His tap, no other source can come close to what He gives us. The grace He gave me in the morning, the new mercies He poured out are more than enough to see me through to the rest of this night without me falling for the enemies lies.

Again this morning I remembered what it feels like to live away from God and when all you hear is that voice that says, “You’ll never make it. You don’t have what it takes. You’re too this, that or the other.” Or when it starts listing out your sins for you and how hard and how often you fell in the past, when it reminds you of the lies you told and of the dark corners you crept in. That to me is attempts at kidnapping your spirit and your mind. So I asked God, “I’m kidnapped a lot, I wonder how much you have to pay for me every time.” And another duh moment God says, “Er, Joanne, the ransom was Jesus…” By this point I’m thinking, “Come on Joanne get it together!” Did I mention I had an Econ test in the morning? #occupiedbraincells #YupIHastagOnBloggerNow

Well, my point is, the voices, the tough hurtful memories, the words people said about me, the value others held me in, the value I held myself in, the mistakes I made, the grief I’ve felt, who I am – faults and all, they’ve all been redeemed by Jesus. I don’t need to hold on to any of that. All I have to do is love Him, let Him love me, do as He does, go where He’s going, think of myself the way He thinks about me, that’s what He paid for. I am for sure responsible for giving Him what He paid for.


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