Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Squiggly Line

I had a panic attack last night, except that when you're a Christian, it's not really a panic attack, it's a frenzied, emotional conversation with Jesus ;-) Anyway, I basically had a little freak out last night and I prayed and told God, this is crazy. I've been saying that a lot.

Anyway, I've been feeling like a  failure lately, like there's so much I want to do and be not for me but for my mom. She's done EVERYTHING for me. I won't even begin to explain or define "everything" because it truly is more than I can speak of. She's done so much and I just wish I could make her life better, make her proud to have me as a daughter. She's supporting my dreams and not once has she complained or told me this is impossible. I watched her do the math and count the cost and she said nothing to me and has shown me nothing but support. I wish I could do something, be something for her. I have this picture like she's my Naomi and I'm her Ruth but I'm failing at being Ruth.

It's just not fun this season of life, being stuck in circumstances I can't do anything about that's just holding me back from really enjoying and moving forward with this new phase of my life. I can' fully celebrate the best thing that has ever happened to me because the details are still so unclear. This is the biggest dream I've ever dared to dream let alone pursue and I'm still stuck dealing with problems that cropped up in the past, namely this whole business at uni.

I've gotten a bunch of answers from the Bible and from God and I'm thankful for that and waiting in hope. I've said before I will not despair and I mean it. God brought this picture to mind when I was on a walk this evening:

I found this on Pinterest and it totally describes what this season is. I hate the squiggly lines, being stuck in this maze and feeling like a failure or a disappointment at every wrong move, but this is a season to work on my faith and my identity as well.

I have a ton of insane dreams to change the world. It's going to take freedom, success, finances and good relationships. Right now I feel like I have none of that, but the truth is I have more than I need simply because God's my dad and He's already placed amazing people in my life. I don't see the end result, I don't have my ducks named and alphabetically lined up in a tidy row, it's squiggly and messy but God's with me and I am His child.

One of the things I need to remember is this:

Source: via Ashley on Pinterest

I'd love your prayers and please feel free to comment below :-)

Bless you,

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