Monday, April 22, 2013

On Absence and Loving Love...{or not}

I'm sorry I've been a little sketchy on these here parts, I have a couple of stuff going on and that I have to deal with, but I do have a few posts scheduled...we have the Worship posts on Sundays and a few more post  left in the How To Tuesdays series, so you'll still see me pop up here and there.

After next week, I'll be sure to explain everything in greater detail :-)

For now, I've been thinking about love. I've been out of the dating game for a looong time. Like I haven't had a boyfriend for, wow almost more than 3 years a long time now. My entire life I've had 1 serious boyfriend and well, we all know how that ended. I've dated here and there but nothing serious or official. I've always thought that I'm fine with it, at this point in my life, I don't want to date at all and I thought it was because I was taking time out and focusing on myself and all that. To be honest I'm more happy now single than I was going out with all these randoms. My life for the most part is pretty fab. I've finally adopted that Christian mindset my mom has always wanted me to have, of "Isn't dating kinda useless if I'm not ready for marriage? Where am I supposed to take all that passion?"

A couple of days ago though, I saw this post on social media from a girl gushing about her new found romance and I just smirked and rolled my eyes a little bit and I was shocked at myself a little bit because I'm usually the "Yay! Go you!" type. So I realized, "Wow, I might actually have issues with this dating stuff and that's why I'm avoiding it!" 

It wasn't so much a jealousy issue, it was a "no trust issue." Meaning, a part of me doesn't trust men at all. I mean, my past has been in the words of Penny Hart "roof stoof".{rough stuff}

In fact it's great that I've used Penny as an example because like her, I've gone in time and time again with the best of intentions and come out crushed on the other side and well, getting ready to do that again doesn't exactly feel like a great venture.

I know what you're thinking, what's the Christian thing to do here? I know my heart shouldn't be jaded, and it's not, God gave me a brand new heart and I'm not heartbroken AT ALL, I'm just scared out of my mind when the thought of falling in love or not falling in love pops into my head. In my mind, I'd be married right now. That was my life plan forever to be married by 24, the year I get out of college. I'm about to turn 23 in a couple of weeks, so obviously, that hasn't worked out.

I just don't know if I'm ready to do it. Put my brand new expensive heart out there for anyone to crush it. I've been through it and lemme just say it right now, those first few weeks of ecstasy are absolutely not worth the end result. Everybody around me is raising a baby, married, engaged, co-habitating, seriously dating or wanting to start dating. I.just.can't. Sometimes it works out, case in point my bestie and her boyfriend of 5 years, sometimes it doesn't case in I need to finish that?

I don't know if this means I'm carrying baggage into a relationship because well, I'm not looking for one. I wouldn't even call it baggage, I call it self-preservation. This heart was bought at a price, His blood, and I know how much it took for God to get me to a place where I could love again at all, so putting His healing on the line for a couple of weeks of excitement...?

There are so many cons to giving your heart away. Too many.

The end.

For once I'm not going to try and explain this away or find the silver lining or the inspirational quote to push me out of this. Right now in my life, my heart and mind are just sitting here.


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