Thursday, October 24, 2013

Anxiety never won any battles, but joy...

 When I got here, all the prophetic words I got were about joy. How God would give me joy, how I'm a giver of joy, how I'm a rainbow in Heaven (yeah, I love Bethel, people speak life into you constantly). I always used to laugh and tell these people how back home my friends call me Furaha which means joy, so their words were spot on.

This week has really brought me back to the point where I realize the strength of those words.

I woke up with a fever and headache on Monday. I chalked it up to sleeping with the fan on and maybe catching a cold that night, so I took some paracetamol and went to school. By the end of the day, I was burning up and getting cold chills and burning up and getting cold chills. Yup, full on fever. I had my carpool group pray for me then got home and put on some worship, sang, declared God's goodness, said no to sickness, even did laundry & went back to Civic for Bethel's Vision Night. I got to meet Bill Johnson!!!!! After that we worshiped some more, and celebrated and then went home.

Natalie, Bill & I. (Fever literally 20 minutes before this. Ha!)
Cut to 10PM, I could not sleep! Fever came back and I was praying & tossing & turning in bed. 12 midnight, my stomach gets in on the action and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster after eating a gallon of ice cream. I tried to get up but I was so dizzy I knew for sure I'd hit the floor. By this point I was almost crying, so I text my housemate for help & pray God wakes her up lol. She comes in & gives me some medicine and prays for me and I'm finally able to sleep after 1 more hour of tossing & turning. (Thanks Laura!)

The next day, Tuesday, I had school. I'm still sick, I wished I didn't have to go, but I go anyway, because really, it's BSSM. I love it way too much to stay home and who knows if that's the day the biggest thing to happen will happen? I also figured, it would be easier getting better in Worship than in bed, right? I got checked out by an awesome momma from my Revival Group who's a doctor & she made me feel like I was back at home with my mom.

Turns out, the biggest thing to happen did happen at school, when the Holy Spirit fell so strong in the front of the hall, half of us rushed to the front & fell on impact! It was a mosh-pit of laughter & electricity. Needless to say, fever, nausea & all symptoms were gone after a couple of hours of rest after I got home that night. Hallelujah!

Today, is Thursday. I got out of school at 3:15, missed the 3:30 bus, had to wait for the 4:25, which was late, so I missed my connection meaning I had to walk about a mile & got home at 5:30.

Last but not least, the 'ole bank account dwindling down. The stark realization that I have money going out but have not had a single cent coming into my hands, not being able to work here & just not seeing the kind of breakthroughs you hear from others. People are writing support letters. I don't even know who to write to! My small family who've probably already given all they can? It's literally a draining feeling when your funds are draining.

This was my week. Was I frustrated? Yes. Did I feel like crying? Yes. Was I homesick & missing my mom and my car?! Yes!!! Did I want  to complain? Yes! When I missed my morning bus, I did write to my sister to complain. It was my 1st reaction. When I was sick did I want to mope around the house with a blanket and skip school? Yes! Am I scared about money, mission trip funds, 2nd year tuition? YES!!!

BUT, approximately 5 seconds after my initial reactions, joy comes over me. I was telling people, "I have a fever" with a smile on my face which looked weird, but I just couldn't help it. I'm riding the bus despite how much I wish I had a car, worshiping and singing  and I'm genuinely happy. It would be one thing if it were me & I was getting myself through all these situations, but it's not me. On my own, I'm not strong or brave or persevering or a fighter or any of those things. It's the neatest thing to ride on the wave of God working on me in the background.

I used to use sadness or moodiness to manipulate the will of God. Like, "God, I'll just be sad until you do this" Now I'm learning I don't have to be like that. God is good. God is really good. I'm His daughter. I'm smack dab in the middle of His will. His hand is not  too short that He will not save me or put me in the exact situation I need to be in in the perfect way & time.

Anxiety never won any battles, but kicks some A*
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