Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Like a Waterfall

When I dreamed about going to Bible School, I thought it would be many things, but being hard wasn't among them. The best part about a school like this one is that it's not just about book reports and Theology homework; God literally molds and stretches you and sometimes it leads to some tears shed and exhaustion. Your Spirit is always awakened to seek and receive and you're always connecting to something or fighting against something or giving something away or hungering for more and you can get exhausted.

I know this past week, I went through that and I skipped school last Thursday, just because I was tired of feeling like I was fighting to breathe and be OK all the time. I was trying to do all these things and figure it all out by myself and I spent the day in bed to "sleep it off". After I finally talked to a couple of people, I realized just how true it is that the enemy loves to keep us in isolation. I'm so mad that I listened and stayed in bed & threw away my perfect attendance record :-/ Speaking out, (including this blog post), I realized I wasn't the only one going through it & that I was allowed to not always be OK. God is doing different things in different moments and it's OK.

God asked me today what it is I'm afraid of: that He won't show up or that He will show up.

I realized I am afraid of Him actually showing up. Somehow it escaped my attention that I allowed a part of myself to be afraid of receiving love. Even in the natural, I've noticed myself, when my Revival Group Pastor or interns walk toward me, I walk in the opposite direction, just because they know me and it's not just small talk anymore - I gave them permission to speak into me but I'm just dreading the moment when they do. Even with my friends, I have no idea how to go deeper. For some reason, I feel like there's this wall of tears just beneath the surface, and I'm gonna have to go through that every time I get on a journey of intimacy with someone. Don't get me wrong, I have dealt with a whole bunch of stuff and I don't think that I necessarily need anymore Inner Healing, but...I don't know how to explain it.

I couple this with the knowledge that I am beautiful, precious and all of that fun stuff and that like a magnificent waterfall, I am worthy of people coming from all corners of the earth just to see me and encounter me. I know this, we're taught this and I believe it, but I guess the question I have for God is this...what's behind the waterfall? I know Him well enough to know it's not a deep, dark, cold cave, so what is it?

God will you just open my eyes to see what You see behind the waterfall, so I can let You in and let other people in.

Speaking of Waterfalls...

Waterfall Lyrics (United Pursuit Band)

Oh Lord/I need you/capture me/and steal me away/take me deeper/into your heart/surround me with your love/and hold me close/and never, never let me go
So close/that I can feel your every breath/until my heart begins to dance with yours/never let me go
Won't you take me to a new place/to a realm of mercy and grace/where love, love flows heavy
Like a waterfall
Like a waterfall of honey/let your love be poured out on me/overcome me, overcome me

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