Monday, December 9, 2013

Joan's Dream Finances

Well, it's no secret how hard it is being a college student. It's extra interesting to be an internatinal Bible student in a city where you can't work. It's been difficult at times and there's not a day I don't wake up feeling this cloud over my head like, "YOU SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING!!!" "You should be making money!!!" I think that's just a human thing, amplified by a being-from-a-developing-country-living-in-America-you-should-be-sending-money-to-the-motherland thing. Yes, I have actually heard that exact line before! :-D

Thing is, I've never worked harder in my life than when I've been here. No honestly, this doesn't feel like me at all. Even in Boarding School where we had some CRAZY chores to do, lets just say, washing public bathrooms with no gloves on again wouldn't be my 1st rodeo. School and being here has been intense. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT, there's really no place I would rather be, for REAL! But contrary to popular belief, it's not all Jesus Culture Concerts and Fire Tunnels, lol.

The past few days I've been asking God to make this house a home.

Bill preached yesterday about "house" in the Bible having different meanings, family, land, temple etc. All of that is what I mean. I'm tired of being scared to breathe lest this dream is blown away. That's no way to live. I'm tired of having days of guilt if I buy a $7 dinner with my friends. I'm not going to live under that. I'm tired of falling more and more in love with a country while battling the thought of never going there! (Italy Mission Trip). I'm tired of eating canned beans for dinner every day, I want steak!

So being that it's Christmas time and gifts are in the air, I thought I'd send my Christmas list to God. I drew up this budget, what would it take to make this house a home. The next 2 years I'm still a student. The next 2 years of hard work and serving where I'm at. I decided to go big with it, that's why it's a "dream" budget. I'm not frivolous by any means, even when I do get $100 a month for groceries, I'll still be shopping the sales racks at Winco, but I just felt that I need to ask for more than enough and stop living on the poverty line, or the barely making it avenue.

Once I put a number to it, it felt a little lighter, it's actually way less than the number I'm trusting God for with the thousand dollar testimonies released over us. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. I know Jesus paid for it all, I know my Father provides, this is a LOT in my eyes, but it's not in His. This is 5 pairs of shoes to Kim Kardashian, how much less is it to God? :-D

I don't know guys, I don't know the profound principle for bringing breakthrough, I don't know the right words to say or the bold prayers to pray, all I know is I'm His kid, I'm in His will & He paid for everything. That's gotta count for something right? He gave me a promise. That's gotta count for more right? I need to be a living testimony. How can I lead without that? I need to be the proof that God is Good! I need to be the light of what I preach and proclaim Him to be. I don't want to just hear about Him and repeat what I've heard, that's awesome, but I can't ask a stranger to expect supernatural breakthrough if I'm not it myself. I want to look at myself and be it.

With that, I let go. I'm choosing His rest now.

So here's to trust and here's to hope and here's to the celebration to come.

You are worthy of it all God.

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