Wednesday, September 3, 2014

BSSM Chronicles - Part 1: 1st Day of 2nd Year!

I had a couple of posts lined up for this week, but, wow, I have to write about my first day of school today.

Today was my 1st day of 2nd year.

To say I was unprepared would be an understatement. 

First if all, we had a book report due today, yes, on the 1st day. I had it written a long time ago, I was just too lazy to figure out how I was going to print it. Let me tell you, there's a lot more pressure to have your "stuff" together compared to last year. Last year, my assignment would be late and I'd be like, 'whatever I'll hand it in tomorrow, so long as the deadline hasn't passed, I'm good!'. This year, not so. This year, I'm a leader. My time should be spent pursuing leaders, growing my mind and my heart, falling in love with Jesus and all these other things that can't be done with an empty homework bin looming over my head. So there I was during our 30 minute recess speeding back home to finish editing and rushing to the print shop to sort that paper out. It felt like I was filming Mission Impossible and Tom Cruise was sitting beside me in the passenger seat. I literally had a countdown timer on in my phone. It was exhausting and I was probably better off staying at school and handing in my paper late tomorrow.

Second, I was unprepared for the depth we're expected to venture into this year. 1st year turned me inside out pretty good; I was emotionally exhausted at the end of each day. I thought this year would be different...yeah, it wasn't. Cue me, driving through In n Out for some emotional eating & getting sick an hour later because I haven't eaten a dirty burger in 4 months and it was a bit of a shock to the system.

Anyway, today wrecked me. Kris Vallotton spoke on Apostleship and the difference between denominational-ism and apostleship. Gabe talked to us about our expectations and our pastors expectations of us. Then, there was some phenomenal worship by Kristene and Matt that I was nowhere near ready for. Then there was Sarah and Dave...

Sarah spoke about the importance of falling in love with Jesus. How loving Him should be tangible, we should feel that love permeate the atmosphere. She used the example of John G Lake healing a woman simply from feeling God's love for us and for this woman in that moment and he gave the woman a hug and she was healed. Then she played us a video with this guy leading some mind blowingly beautiful worship and pouring out His love to God and some BEAUTIFUL stuff happening in the process, that video changed my life.

Dave, spoke and God spoke through him. Of the many brilliant things he said, he said we need to stop fighting our weaknesses and rest in them because in our weaknesses Christ is made strong. He proposed that the devil might then be afraid of our weaknesses more than we were because he knows the potential for strength that they have. I like Dave because he's real, he said he knew his teaching isn't easy to apply - sitting in our weakness? I mean, naturally when we're covered in slime all we want to do is wash it off, but he said that in all our trying, we forget the main thing which is rest in God. We try and try and follow 10 step program after another and always end up in the same spot and these are the moments the enemy loves: when we're distracted and beating ourselves up because then we're as ineffective as we will ever be and cut off from the life renewing power of God. What happens though, when we decide to keep our focus on God rain or shine? He called for a vulnerability in the place of our shame. For us to break the walls of hiding & self preservation down and to be raw and honest.

I'm extremely privileged to be in Dave's group this year. All of our pastors are amazing - wise, kind, generous, affectionate, insightful - I'm excited to simply be in the same room as them. At the same time, I have to say it's scary. It's scary trying to figure out what pursuit looks like, what coming under fatherhood looks like, what not hiding behind a smile and a laugh and being raw looks like, what opening up and being known and seen looks like, what servant hood looks like, what I as a leader will look like, how to grab this year for all it's worth and not miss a thing? I want more than anything to soak it all in, be intentional about growing and becoming and being uncomfortable and being able to sit in uncomfortable situations and be fine with it, still

It's different though, because even in my disheveled state at the end of the day, I know I need my Spirit to be triumphant as I go to bed, because this year I can be confident in what He's done. I don't need 2 days of solemnity to make myself believe it. Hence, this late night post, trying to rev up my Spirit to be triumphant (apart from the junk food hangover). I can go on; compared to last year when I'd carry the emotional and spiritual load for days. 

I don't want to speak too soon though!

That's it, day 1.

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