Wednesday, October 22, 2014

My Amazing Children,

So, I am writing this, my first letter to you, in the most exhausted state I've been in in a while. Life is amazing and complicated, and I am in the complicated part right now, basically fighting and contending and pushing for something better, something greater than I could have imagined when I was your age. Pushing is sometimes exhausting.

Nights like tonight, I stand before God, needing Him to prove His word. I don't know how correct of a demand that is to make on God. God is sovereign and God, I would never ask Him to prove Himself, but I feel like it's a good place to be at, to ask God to prove His word, and that He is who He says He is. That's the point of the Bible, it's not just a storybook, it's living and active...or should be. I've had a lot of natural, I need some supernatural in my life. That's what I paid for, what I'm surrounded by, it's what I need because the things on my heart, the things I want for myself, the type of dad I want you to have, the things I want for you guys, the only way any of it is going to happen, is for Him to be who He says He is in my life.

Well, a year ago, I saw a vision of my sons, standing on a stage, amazing young men, leaders of leaders. Tonight, as I keep pushing and keep fighting to stay hopeful and full of joy, I questioned the point of it all, and I heard God say, "Someday, you're going to have a daughter." That spoke to me because there are battles, especially for the sake of my girls, battles that have to end with me. That's why I'm here, that's why I packed up my life for the sake of a crazy dream, because the thought of staying in the same cycle that so many others before me have gone in, kills me. I don't want you to be stuck with dreams in your hearts that look like they'll never come true, I want better for you. Guys, you're not even here yet, but you all give me life!

My mom, your grandmother, has opened a lot of doors for me. She fought, she's winning at life and she passed the baton to me. I promise, I'm going to be as open and honest as I can be with you and give you guys room to say everything you want to say from your 1st word, because as much as I know you need to conquer your own wars and win your own victories, if you fought the things I fought, then what would be the point in my struggle. My head will not be buried in my work, or a book or a TV screen or myself, I want to be present for you.

I want you guys to have an amazing life. I want you to have the toys on TV and the newest clothes in the mall. I want you to have a dad who's always there all the time & that showers you embarrassingly with affection, a mom that's healthy and whole and powerful. I want to take you guys to the best schools we can find where the teachers love on you, call out your destinies and believe in each of you as individuals. I want you to not have to compete with each other or try to be like each other, champion each other, support each other, love each other and not let a day go by without connecting with each other. I want to buy you guys a car when you can drive and your 1st house when you get married - married young and to the people of your dreams.

So, you might not be here yet, but thank you for existing as a dream in my heart. When I'm too tired to fight for myself, I'm fighting for you.

All My Love, 

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