Thursday, November 20, 2014

He Shall Find Me On My Way

When I was in College - pause - did I really just use that statement? Where did the time go?? Anyway, when I was in College, I was a major procrastinator. I hated studying for exams and somehow, unconsciously, I would always surround myself with drama the weeks approaching exam time. I realized close to the end of my college career that finals week would be the days I would be going through a breakup or fights with friends. I guess, I needed the drama to distract me from the pressure of studying or to create enough tension to keep me focused. So very unhealthy, but it was a pattern I could count on - and when I recognized it, I used it to my advantage and got straight A's literally on every exam the week of my break-up.

I just realized, since there aren't any breakups or friends to fight with in my life right now, I might still unconsciously be creating drama to distract me from the pressure of life and whatever this season I'm in is. The thing is, as you know by now, for the past few weeks, I've been stuck in this rut. All of a sudden tonight, my attitude has for the most part, been transformed. I don't know if it's the events of the past couple of days or just, to be blunt, mood swings. Whatever it is, tonight I feel charged.

I'm still hungry for more. I still have questions. I still can't stay where I've been. I still want to go deeper. I still am not convinced I've seen enough of God in my personal life to prove His realness in the vast sense that the Bible declares. But, despite all this, tonight I'm charged with the realization that life is too short to sit here with my questions doing nothing but waiting for answers. I'm still waiting for Him to answer me, but He will find me on the way. I need to charge forward with the work He has given me. If this season is a  season of growth & building, I need to roll my sleeves up, grow & build. When He does come and answer me, He will find me walking on this journey, 10 steps ahead of where I should be. Waging & warring, not curled up in a tight ball of hopelessness and trepidation.

I have such a good example to use, which is probably not the best to put on here; I will say this, sometimes you need to be an Olivia shouting at and calling out the powerful Cyrus in you when he's decided to cower away and retreat. If you catch the reference, great, if not, don't worry about it. The point is, get over yourself and work! Work yourself back into your rightful place of victory.

There's so much I want to do and need to do and know I'm made to do. In the truest version of me, circumstances, visa/immigration situations, uncertainties, hormones, moods, emotions set aside, His passion is burning inside of me, there is literally no time to waste. Jeremiah 20:9 (AMP) "If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer]."

In the truest version of me, the only time I feel fully alive is when this passion for Him is ignited. It puts things in perspective. My life is in your hands Lord, what would you have me do?

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