Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I Thought It'd Be Bigger...

I have a ton of notebooks and journals. I have an online journal and I have this. When I get them, I always say, this book will be dedicated to this topic etc etc. I feel like I've ignored this blog though, when the truth is of all my journals, this one probably feeds me the most. Knowing I can come here and track my life and how I've grown for the past 4 years is awesome. I've gotten all of my jobs because of this blog. I think because of that, I've not been motivated to write as much because I started writing for everyone else and not for me.

That's going to change though, starting from today. The truth is, my life every part of me, what you read here, this is all what makes me tick, what makes me a FANTASTIC employee, a great creative mind, and generally great.

Anyway, down to the nitty gritty. So lately, I've been in a season where my faith has been confronted a lot. Everything about my life speaks to the fact that I know God and I'm living for Him, but sometimes, you hit a speed bump and you have to navigate your way through it.

My speed bump has been the question, is God really real? I might be a totally sold out Christian, but I'm still living in this world and I see the same things everybody else sees and I wonder sometimes. I'm not talking about the big issues of the world, wars and violence and climate change, I'm talking about, if God is real then why am I still struggling in areas where He knows I need Him?
In this season, the first 5 minutes of my prayers have been spent repeating, "God you are real" over and over again because I need to get myself to believe it.

I grew up on intellectual faith, I know He's real because I know the Bible is real and I love what the Bible says. In my brain, I know God is real, there can be no other way. I know He is real because I am here, I am way too complex to have just appeared or evolved out of a monkey. I Intellectually, I have no doubt as to the realness of God, and the God from the Bible is a God I would give my life to.

I graduated to a social faith, where I know He's real because my mom prayed every morning and night aloud for my entire life and probably even before then. I know He's real because my mom has given away all her life savings to see the advancement of the people she's responsible to love and by extension to God. I know He's real because I am surrounded by people who paused their whole lives to pursue Him. I know He is real because people have personal stories about Him and the God from those stories is a God I would give my life to.

I've had a little bit of experiential faith where I know God is real because I'm here in the land of my promise pursuing my dreams and that door was opened supernaturally. I know God is real because I've lived a year away from home successfully. I know God is real because of the favor on my life to be able to work for some of the best people in the world, doing jobs I could never have dreamed of. I know God is real because of the moments I've felt Him, when His words have jumped off the page and literally knocked the wind out of my chest. I know God is real because at my weakest, He's used me to touch people's lives even when I didn't intentionally go after that. I know God is real because of the way I physically react when He comes close. I know God is real because of how I feel when I speak in tongues or pray a specific prayer over someone that meets their needs.

So I was having this conversation with a friend on our morning run and a man appears out of nowhere, walking his dog and he starts conversation with us and reads to us out of "Jesus Calling" the devotional. Everything He says responds to every question I had in my heart. I know God is real because of divine encounters like that. How does that even happen. We watched him walk away and half of me was waiting for him to disappear in front of my eyes because it felt too perfect, like an angel came to deliver the word at the precise time I needed it.

Later today, a girl came up to me during worship and prophesied over me again speaking His words directly into my areas of doubt. I know God is real because she could have said anything else in the world, but she said those words.

I feel like this is where I'm at, God keeps showing me things to show me He's real and I get it, I really do. There's virtually no reason not to get it, but I feel like the kid in this Subaru Outback ad, "I thought it'd be bigger". I'm not saying it to hurt my Dad, I'm only saying it because He said there would be more, there would be greater. He played up this whole salvation thing so much, that there has to be more to it than words and twitches.

I don't think being set financially would make Him anymore real, even if it was like a million dollars fell from Heaven directly, well maybe then, jk. I don't think me meeting "the one" and getting married would make Him any more real. I don't think a green card and a job offer would make Him any more real, well maybe, lol again, jk. With all these things and nothing more, I'd still be back here in a year asking the same question. I thought freedom would be more free. I thought joy would be more joyous. I think it's OK to be like this kid. I'm so appreciative for every small beginning, but I thought it would be bigger. I'm ready for bigger. I need my ginormous bison to walk toward me. I don't know what that looks like, but I need it. I know God is real, maybe the problem is, I have made Him too small in my eyes.

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