Thursday, November 20, 2014

Much Ado About Everything

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this journey of stepping into whatever season this is God is pushing me into. (Yes, I said God is pushing me into even though I know my last post was on doubting whether He was real or not) I tell you, His existence is simply not something you can get away from. I genuinely have no idea and can't imagine the thought process of an atheist. When you're excited and you say, "Oh My God!" What do you mean? Or when you're frustrated and say, "Oh Lord!" What does that mean? Because to me, I actually am calling out to Someone. I can't not believe in His exitence. I don't even know how that would work if I didn't believe He was real. Anyway, back to my story...

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this process. I've been waking up at 5:30AM to pray. I felt like I needed to. I always make these big declarations about what I'm going to do to move God or shift my circumstances and I rarely stick to them past a couple of days. I'm actually learning to be less legalistic about my life, no amount of "self-help" steps are going to change me if my heart's not changed from the inside. So I wasn't expecting to stick too long to this early wake up call thing, but with the way it's been working, I just might ;-)

Night 1. I get up and do my thing and pray specifically over finances, then an hour later, I fell asleep and got woken up by a phone call from a cold-caller, I don't know if that's what they're called in America. Anyway, this automated voice leaves a message that says, my loan application for $8000 has been received and to call them to complete the process. This was at 6AM. I've never gotten a cold call that early and never gotten a cold call like that. So, it may just be coincidence that happened, but it's just really weird.

Night 2. Normal.

Night 3. Met the guy walking his dog from the last post & got the prophetic word during worship.

Night 4. Normal.

Night 5. Slept in, but weirdly, I felt a part of me wake up and start praying. I could have just been dreaming, but it was around 5ish AM - I didn't check but I'm guessing because a few minutes later my housemate (who gets up at 5:30) woke up. I don't know if it was a dream or my spirit really did wake up and pray. I know that happens sometimes.

Night 6. Normal

So, as I pray, in my super honest, super dramatic flair ;-) I just tell God, "I don't know what to do!!! I don't know what's going on with me!!!" I'm stuck between feeling like I'm on the brink of something and feeling hopeless because I've been on the brink for so long and so many things have gone...not so great in the process, I don't know if it's here yet or what's going on.

My friend asked me what he could pray about for me, my honest answer, wasn't finances or any of my "pressing needs", it was honestly, just to get a deeper revelation of God. He's taking me somewhere. That's the reason for all of this. That's why I feel so unsettled. He could literally breathe on my circumstances and they would be fulfilled but He's not and that's for a reason. He's taking me somewhere and the sooner I figure out where, the sooner the rest of these things will be taken care of.

I've prayed for chronically ill people before. Three things I've noticed are, one, the person becomes so comfortable in their illness, their identity is formed around it and they unconsciously decide that this is their lot in life and God intends for them to live this way for some reason that sounds perfectly logical and even holy sometimes. Two, they just have no concept of God - the loving Father and believe if they get healed, then the devil is going to send some other form of attack their way. Both stem from fear of disappointment and comfort in malady. Three, they have tons of breakthrough in their spirit, but it doesn't translate physically.

I don't want that to be my life. I refuse to settle for less than, that my life will just be ordinary because that's my lot in life or it's the season I'm in "waiting for God's perfect timing". There's a reason for the journey but if I'm not growing, if I'm not getting better, I'm not just sitting here. I'm happy to be single, but it better be because God is saving someone massively incredible for me. I'm happy to not be earning any money right now, but it better be because soon I'm going to have more money than I know what to do with. I'm happy to live away from my family and be disconnected from my nephew & nieces growing up but it better mean that my family is going to be incredible and powerful at the end of this. I'm happy to serve unnoticed in the background, but it better be because God is preparing a place for me some day.

God owes me nothing, I know that, but at the same time, if He says I'm His daughter, my voice should carry some influence in the Kingdom. I have the ability to pray stuff in that was meant for a different season. I don't need to settle or accept my "lot in life". Like I've said before, Jesus made such a huge deal about a lot of things - how life should be abundant and supernatural, it's time we make a huge deal out of them as well.

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